So 5 minutes ago
Rants and media criticism from Eric Deamer (a guy in New York)

Thursday, May 22, 2003  

While the rest of the world is caught up in inconsequential conflicts like Kerry vs. Dean, Hitchens vs. Blumenthal, and stockbroker Ashley vs. hotel manager Cyndi for the title of "sexiest after being mauled by bears" on Fox's new reality show Who Will Look Sexiest After Being Mauled by Bears? we here at So 5 Minutes Ago (Note that this phrasing serves a variety of purposes: It brands the website. It makes it seem like its a "publication" as opposed to merely a blog. And, it makes it seem, even if just on a subliminal level, like more than one person works on it -ed. This purpose is also served by the now ubiquitous "editor's notes" which are of course written by the blogger herself -ed.) are attuned to what really matters. That is, of course, the Tuesday ritual of reading whatever bizarre farrago of personal anecdotes of European debauchery and unpopular opinions about magazines Jeff Koyen will cram into the week's New York Press by way of his "Intro" column, this week the "Outro," then reading Elizabeth Spiers' instantaneous evisceration of his aging hipsterism on Gawker.

This week the poste and riposte were particularly entertaining to watch. First, Koyen had the nerve to publish this Irvine Welsh for kindergartner's piece. The Gawker response was swift, elegant, and brutal:

Identify the Text

"At her place, we showered, rolled a joint and fumbling attempted to fuck. Frustration, like love and hate, like acceptance of banality and obsession over the trivial, becomes amplified on drugs. Then I remembered the liquor, weed and muscle relaxants, and I forgave myself for being impotent. Twas neither a sexual nor structural problem, but instead a drug-fueled corporal protest."

The above passage is (A) a first draft of something I wrote in a sophomore year creative writing class that ended up in the trash (B) a first draft of something I wrote in a sophomore year creative writing class that ended up in the trash (C) a first draft of something I wrote in a sophomore year creative writing class that ended up in the trash (D) Jeff Koyen's editor's letter.

Now, I know that before I said that I was one of a handful of people who actually enjoyed reading the Koyen editor's letters. I want to make clear that was very specifically for two reasons: 1) He was willing to admit that The Onion was going downhill, and 2) He was willing to admit that he wasn't cool, whether he realized he was doing so or not. This week's column very much annoyed me, and I can trace the cause exactly, his use of the term "rails" instead of something more mainstream like "lines" or "bumps." Using whatever the de rigeur drug argot happens to be in your circle so the squares won't get it is simply juvenile. Its a forced attempt to sound cool.

posted by Eric | 8:24 AM

I was wondering if I had somehow been the only person to make the joke below, but it turned out that James Taranto gave the same headline to the same story.

posted by Eric | 7:25 AM

Tuesday, May 20, 2003  

I saw this oh-so-frightening AP story about how as part of the soon-to-be-renamed "Total Information Awareness" system (Good idea on the renaming. I suggest "The Total Cute Fluffy Puppy" system-ed.) the Pentagon is trying to develop a database of everyone's "gait signature," i.e. the supposedly unique way that each person walks. Now that the government's getting into the walk business I wonder if a real-life Ministry of Silly Walks can be far behind?

posted by Eric | 3:24 PM
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